Lord help me, I had to take a selfie.

Has there ever, in the history of ever, been any practice more self-indulgent or self-absorbed than the selfie? It’s called a selfie, for God’s sake. And what’s with the in-the-bathroom-mirror selfie? Isn’t that, I assume, what the reverse angle on your cell phone camera is for? Is it so you can capture the glory of your whole self, and not just some of yourself?

And then there are selfies with other people. Isn’t that now, not a selfie? I know the term is referring to the photographer, not the subject, but for proper selfie-taking, they should be one and the same: if you’re not alone, why are you craning your arm around at awkward angles to capture an image someone else could take for you? I see this all the time on my Facebook feed: ‘Taking a selfie in the car with my gang!’, or ‘Fam selfie!’. Um, no. That’s just a family photo. Been around for ages.

My problem is that I can’t relate. I’m the opposite of a selfie-taker. I barely glance in mirrors at all, let alone to take a photo of the reflection. And sometimes, family members have to remind me to brush my hair. I’m 38 years old. This is not ok. But I had to take a selfie today because I needed a high-resolution photo for an upcoming magazine bio. And no one was home except…myself. I grabbed my Sony a5000, flipped the screen around, set it on ‘skin softener’ mode (far easier than a skin care routine and just as effective), and started shooting. Then I realized I’d forgotten to brush my hair, so I started again. It took 15 minutes and was almost as agonizing as shopping for clothes.

No, I’m not going to post it.

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